because I have not before

walking down, in my way to gunhill or lab, ipod on or off, regardless, my mind flies away. Sometimes the desires to escape are overpowering. The desires to fly, wishing the world was not as it is, as somber and gloomy as I understood it to be. Sometimes I wish I wasn't human.

Walking and thinking that maybe there will be a bigger motivation to be alive, maybe in my next semester's classes. The topics look exciting. Read your mind and think what you really should. It has happened before. It is happening again. That is a consolation thought I must do away with.

It is past 4am and I am done with homework. I should sleep but instead I choose to write down my thoughts. How not usual of me. Sometimes I wish that my mind would not enter these complicated states, a self-annihilating perfectionism. Suicidal if you let me. It must work. There is no room for failure.

Maybe one day I will look back and understand that the crack was there and I did not do anything about it. I am happy, or so I try to be. Troubling thoughts of the human mind attack an aimed perfection, an aimed self-enhancing. I must not let them. But I am human, and my quest for enhancement is far from over.

let me wake up from the mist. I shall be the sole author of my book.
-M